Fuck Poker

I don't know what I did to piss off the poker gods, but apparently it was major.

This week, in only 25k hands, I'm down 80 (short) buy-ins. Just sickening. And as you know, when you're downswinging, the poker gods lay it on thick. Any time you fold, you would have got there. But when you stay in, you can't hit your 21-outer to pass the uber donk who called a flop shove with bottom pair. Can't hit it, like, ever. Not one fucking time in 25,000 hands.

But anyway, I'm not gonna go on too much about how many times the 80/60 spaz somehow has QQ when I call off preflop with JJ, or how the 60/10 always has A5 against my AK on the AJ5 board. You've been there, nobody wants to hear it. What I am interested in is the coincidence of my downswing with my inability to maintain focus for long grind sessions. I'm not getting in my VPP's because I seem to lose interest about 45 minutes into every session to the point where I feel like I just can't play. But is that lack of mental focus why I'm having such terrible results (and the preponderance of ridiculous beats is really just my mind playing tricks on me)? Or have I lost the focus because of the demoralizing affect of the bad results (in this scenario, said results being truly a result of variance)?

I've come to the conclusion that while there is definitely a bit of a vicious cycle happening (bad results frustrate me which makes me more likely to make a mistake which causes bad results which frustrate me which makes -- you get the idea), it's more a case of the focus getting shit-kicked by the results than the other way around.

First of all, as much as we do have selective memories, I still believe somebody who grinds a lot (relatively successfully) knows when he's running good or bad. I know if my overpair run into sets six times in fifteen minutes, that's just not normal. I know when a total maniac shows up with AA, that's pure bad luck. And certainly I recognize that losing to a hand that I had dominated happens, you know, 30% of the time or whatever. But if I haven't taken down one all-in yet in a session, and I've lost to a hand I had dominated four different times, it's obviously not about how I'm playing. There's no way, in these particular instances, for my mind to fool me. My point is just that while we can't trust ourselves totally in these matters, there are still times when we know we are running like complete and utter shit. And right now I am certain of it.

Secondly, poker is a game that even when we play terrible we win sometimes. Yet I have lost in 12 straight sessions. I'm not saying I'm an overall loser over the last 12 sessions. I'm saying I have posted a loss in every single one of those sessions, individually. There is just no earthly way that my skill level has deteriorated, instantly, so that after 10 straight winning weeks (at this stake level, anyway, I did post losses when taking shots) I suddenly can't post a single winning session. I mean, if my game is off, it's only off a little from where it was. I wasn't a genius then, just as I'm not suddenly a beginner now.

Anyway, now that I'm done convincing myself that it's mainly variance, the question is why I am letting it affect my ability to grind so much. If I had played through, got in my hands every day, odds are I'd have posted some winning sessions by now and perhaps already feel finished with the downswing. So why don't I do that?

I know why. During most of the summer, as I posted my most consistent results (by far) of this whole SSing experiment, I really focused on individual hands, refused to check results, tried very hard to get caught up in the decision-making process. That bubble burst when I took my shots at 400. Because I was nervous about it, and because the pots seemed so much bigger, I got in the habit of checking the cashier page after almost every big pot. I didn't shake it when I went back to only playing 200.

The thing is, when you're running good, checking the cashier page doesn't really hurt you that much. It's still probably a bad idea, because it takes away your focus on the present. But it's not going to tilt you. But now, this week when I hit my downswing, when I look at the cashier page and I'm down half a dozen (again, short) buy-ins five minutes into my session, there's just no way I'm not gonna be affected by it. Even if it doesn't directly affect my play (which sometimes it will), it still affects my desire to grind out a long session. Big time.

The good news, despite this week's terrible results, I still have a healthy roll for 200. Not huge, but certainly not near having to ask the staker for $. So I don't need to be sweating that. And even if I was low, there's no upside to sweating it. So starting right now, I resolve to have the utmost commitment to ignoring results in-session. Everybody knows that swings are an unavoidable part of grinding. Having habits that might allow my focus and/or level of play to be compromised by those swings is totally unacceptable.

Oh, and also, no surfing 2+2 or facebook during sessions. I solemnly swear.

Thank you for joining me on this voyage of self-discovery.