Unwanted Phone Call

I've spent more of my adult life on the road than at home. There's sometimes a feeling that you are removed from real life, sometimes it's hard to even imagine that full days and nights are passing at home. One after another, over and over. Maybe it's hard to imagine because it's a mainly unpleasant thought, that there is a whole life at home that you are leaving un-lived.

When the phone rings and it's an unexpected call from home, it's kind of a minor shock to the system, and you can't help but think of worst case scenarios for why someone's calling. Trevor and I have talked about this a lot. How the phone not ringing is kind of a good thing, no news is good news. My mom called around 9am this morning, as we were just beginning our drive from Carbondale, CO to Salt Lake City. And it was not good news.

My dad had passed away about an hour earlier. I guess you can't call it unexpected, as my dad had some serious health problems. But it somehow still feels that way. It's too much to accept that I'll never see him again. I really don't know how to mourn. I want to let go and just, you know, scream or beat up a wall or something. But besides the fact that might get me arrested here at the SLC airport, I don't think I could let myself go that far anyway. Every time I feel the emotion surging, I instinctively push it back down. I can't imagine it's healthy, but I can't imagine enduring the emotion unfettered.

So I just don't know what to do. I just gotta get home and hug my wife and kid, and my mom and my siblings. But honestly, I'm really scared of that too. Cause it's gonna be harder to tamper my emotions around my loved ones, and around people who are feeling the same pain. These next days are gonna hurt.

My dad wasn't a real talker, but I never doubted he was there for me. Not once, ever. Even in my rebellious teenage years, when we argued, I could push things because I knew I could never endanger the love and support I got from him. I remember, almost 20 years ago, my mom was really sick and it was touch and go whether she'd make it. And I was walking somewhere with my dad and I said something about how screwed we were going to be if mom died, how much our family needed her. And of course he agreed with that, but then he did something quite out of character for him, and he held my hand, and he said, "But you'll still have me."

Promise, dad?

Street Musicians

I was out for a walk through the mean streets of Vancouver with Henry the other day and we walked past this guy singing and playing a little nylon-string guitar. He was probably in his 60’s, with an overgrown beard and long, matted hair. Honestly, from his look and his demeanor, I think he was probably a little crazy. Probably a lot crazy.

I stopped, at first, because the music was familiar but I couldn’t place the song. Turns out it was America’s “All The Lonely People”, but reworked to the point of being barely recognizable. In a good way. (That is, after all, a song that could definitely use a good reworking). It was kind of like a Richie Havens arrangement, and he sang with a distinct voice. Nasal, but pleasing, maybe like a Dave Matthews-Cat Stevens hybrid? He was playing fast and loose with the phrasing and the melody, and flailing at his substandard guitar with an almost abstract abandon.

In short, it was an awesome performance. He must have been a professional musician at some point. He maybe still thought of himself as one, and if he also considered himself an artist I wouldn’t disagree. So I put a bit of money in his (completely empty) tin cup, and Henry and I were on our way.

It got me to thinking, though, about whether I should be giving based on the competence of the musician. If we’re talking about professional (and relatively sane) buskers, then for sure. Donate if you like it, walk on by if you don’t. But this guy is no longer in that category. He is, rather, in the same category as that fiddler you used to see in Gastown, sawing absent-mindedly on a two-stringed violin that probably hadn’t been tuned in a decade. That is to say, how much he needs help (a lot) is completely unrelated to how well he performs.

So. Is it cold -- wrong, even -- to choose who you help based on who can best carry a tune?

Night & Day

Just save your money and watch some Hart to Hart reruns.