Me vs David Williams (aka Day 1b of UKIPT Main Event)

PokerStars staff are allowed to play the Main Event of the UKIPT Isle Of Man, which is unprecedented. So despite being hella busy with work, and despite Rachel being hella busy with her work, I kinda felt like I *had* to play it. Fortunately, Rachel kinda agreed. Day 1b was yesterday.

My first small goal for the day was not to dust off a bunch of chips on the first level being cute. I honestly don't remember the action, but I lost about 15% of my stack in a hand I probably shouldn't have been in on the very first hand. Bad start, and I did get the feeling right away that I wasn't going to have a long stay.

This feeling was exacerbated the next hand when PokerStars pro David Williams filled the empty seat to my immediate left, turning a relatively benign table into my own personal table of death. If you've played poker with me (especially these days, when I am definitely an amateur) you know I like to play a LOT of pots. David Williams likes to punish people who are in lots of pots. I would guess, over the course of the day, he 3bet 50% of the pots I opened and called another 40% of them.

I decided early on I would basically play passively versus him, but be willing to make some big call downs. Totally fishy strategy, but I knew I couldn't outplay him and I didn't want to totally nit it up, so decided I'd give it a try at least.

First big hand with that strategy, I opened QJ and he flatted. Flop was QTx with two hearts. I cbet and he called. Off-suit 9 on the turn and I checked (fish!) he bet and I called. Off-suit J on the river and he bets big. I tanked for a little bit, but ultimately called and was good.

Next hand was even fishier. I had KJ on a KTx two spade board. Turn brought the flush, river brought the straight (without improving my hand) but I still called down turn/river bets and was good again.

So things were going well, and I won a couple big pots vs other people as well. One when I bluffed the KQJTx river and a guy tank folded. I showed the bluff, which was stupid in general, but paid off in the short term when a couple hands later I donk bet a rivered straight against another player and was looked up light, again in a pretty big pot.

Before end of level 2 I had doubled my 20k starting stack.

Then things turned. I had K5s in sb and it was folded around to me. I was pretty sure DW would 3bet me, so I decided to just complete and call his inevitable raise. Which happened, and the flop came KT2r. Turn was whatever and river was a 9. I called three barrels, and lost to David's rivered two pair (T9).

A bit later, I raised A9s OTB and DW 3bet. He checked and I checked behind on the A84 board, and called his big bets on the 4 turn and blank river. He had 42o for the turned trips.

From then on, he had the momentum, and, increasingly, the chips. I couldn't seem to make the right adjustments. He was playing incredibly aggressively, and I couldn't quite decide between locking it down or playing back, and constantly got myself in bad spots. Gave back all my gains. Then I doubled up a shorty with 99
I did manage to win a few pots without showdown over the rest of the level, and went to the last break of the day right back at my starting stack.

First hand of Level 7, dealer is just about to go and DW's not there. I'm on the button, and feeling happy that I can actually have my button without him in the SB (although next most solid player was to David's left, but whatever). Last second, David sits down. FML. Until I look down at AA. Not FML.

Folded around to me, standard open, standard DW 3bet. I'm trying to think if a shove or a normal 4bet would like fishier (about 30 bbs deep), and basically decide just to shove cause it's first hand back, I might look impatient/fed up, and also I just don't want to play post-flop anyway. (Have I mentioned I'm the fish in this story). Happily David did think I was messing around and called with A6. Turn brought a gut shot for a small sweat, but an innocuous river and I was back to 40k.

Which is more or less where I finished, a couple hours later. Disappointed with how I played but real happy to have survived the day and planning to play much better today.

Overall couldn't have been more impressed with DW, btw. Total class act all day long, made surrendering pot after pot to with him without showdown almost bearable.

You know a blog's in trouble when...

the blogger starts posting about how he's been neglecting his blog lately but he's gonna get back into it now.

Man, that's the kiss of death. Sometimes, in my search for potential Team Online members, I'll google about looking at poker player blogs. And they fall into two categories:

a) active
b) inactive

And if they're in category b, there's about a 50/50 chance that the most recent blog post (from, like, last February) is about how they're sorry they've let their blog slide but they're really going to recommit to it.

I knew this when I posted my last blog post (the first in a long long time), but I went ahead and made it about blogging more anyway. I was hoping that using that as a topic would shame me into returning to regular blogging, not wanting such a cliched post to exist as the most recent.

Well, it didn't work, at least not so far. OTOH, here I am. Sure, I'm still talking about stuff that more or less qualifies as what you'd expect to see from a blog's last days. But the fact that there's a new post counts for something, right?

Don't bury this, it's not dead yet.

Speaking of pointleslys throwing words into the internet abyss, I have started tweeting more. Follow me at yvrchris.

I think I'll starting blogging again

Not sure what made me look at this old blog, and not sure why I find it shameful I haven't written a anything in 18 months. But I did, and I do.

Actually, maybe shameful's the wrong word. I feel closer to sad. Cause it's not like I've really done anything wrong, in a broad sense, or let anyone down. It's just, I haven't replaced blogging (or any of the other creative pursuits that used to part of my daily life) since I've been here. I've just sunk deeper and deeper into being a family man and into work, with most of my personal time spent on exercise (which is not really that much, personal time nor exercise). And realizing that I never really write or create just for its own sake anymore, it's pretty much always vocationally, yeah that makes me a little sad.

Obviously the vast majority of bloggers are writing near exclusively for themselves, their audience being so small that it would almost be better referred to as the illusion of an audience. Obviously I'm no exception. But the fact that your blog is freely viewable, by anyone but especially by people who actually know you (perhaps only by people who actually know you), provides just that little extra motivation to actually think about what you write. It may not be enough to get me checking for typos, but it's probably enough to get me to fix one if I happen to glance upon it. 

Point being it doesn't really matter if anyone's reading it. There's something about a blog that makes you care enough for it to be a legitimate creative endeavour, I think, and I think my mind and I would both be just a little bit happier if I undertook a legitimate creative endeavour. At least, you know, from time to time.

So yeah, I'm sold. I think I'll start blogging again.

Movies

I'm not gonna lie. The movie situation here on the Isle Of Man is pretty dire. There are two theaters, one of which has one screen and the other has two. So okay, we're not gonna get much outside of the mainstream. But I swear they deliberately pick things just to annoy me.

We had a free babysitter (yay mother-in-law!) this week and here were our choices:

1) A sequel to a farcical spy type thing starring Mr Bean that really could have not looked more terrible;

2) A reissue of the Lion King -- like, honestly, WTF??? There are three screens available on the whole island and one of them is given over to screening a movie from the fuckin' 90's?

3) The Three Musketeers

So we went with three and it was a terrible choice. Several times I had the thought that perhaps somebody involved in the making of it was intentionally sabotaging it for some reason. A scorned lover or a merry prankster or something.

Yeah, maybe it was like the story of Richard Harris's "MacArthur Park". I don't know if it's true, and I'm not gonna google it right now cause it's okay to be wrong sometimes, but I heard he wrote the lyrics as a lark. Like, let's see if I can write the world's stupidest lyrics and still have a hit song. I'm wondering if that was somebody's agenda here. Let's see how stupid a scene I can write and see if the movie still gets made, and even becomes a hit!

Should have gone to the Mr Bean one, for sure.

There's like ten good-looking movies showing around the world that just refuse to come here. I'm gonna be home in Vancouver on business next week for 4 days and my goal is to see 4 movies. Probably not possible, given the business I have to do (which will include full days, and several dinners), and given that I want to see friends and family. But that's the goal.

Cause also, as if things aren't bad enough, they only show one preview at the movies here. And the last three movies I've been to it's been the same preview, for the new Twilight movie. Seriously, am I being punked?

Isle Of Man Update

Friday night the six guys I was training for this new program I'm working on developing left after two weeks of training. I was eyeing that date for about three months. Pretty much all the work I've done since taking this job has been about getting to last Friday with everything running smoothly, going well. I definitely had my doubts. A lot of first-time experiences for me. I was undertaking a pretty major project for a pretty major corporation, without any direct experience. And I've certainly never run a training course before. But I was banking on a lot of my experiences with the band and with poker translating in different ways to what I am doing now, and it worked out I think. Not that it went perfect, but honestly looking back over the last few months I'm pretty stoked with how it's all turned out, work-wise.

So now that I can breath a bit, this weekend I finally felt a bit home sick. Saw a facebook post with a picture of a quintessential Vancouver evening. Couldn't get my family on Skype, and then when I was indisposed for like five minutes somehow Rachel got on Skype with my brother and his family and I missed that. Started thinking about the band out there on the road, imagining them in the same hotels, on the same stages, driving the same roads that I drove for 15 years. And it felt really, really weird that I wasn't there. Just goes to show how busy I've been with work that these things are just hitting me now.

But anyway, recent bouts with homesickness aside, I think things are going pretty great here. Definitely expected a tougher transition. We've met quite a few cool people, including some with kids around Henry's age. We probably have more "couple" friends here than we did at home, which is pretty bizarre.

We bought a season train pass and have been exploring the island on weekends. The job is uber-demanding (I think I worked about 150 hours over the two weeks the trainees were in town) but also very rewarding, very enjoyable, challenging in a good way, and somewhat flexible (I'm going to have a family train adventure Wednesday morning, for example, and just work from home later in the day). It's weird going to an office and having a boss, but I love the company and respect my boss (very, very smart guy) so it's weird but not a bad thing.

I like the place we're living a lot. Rachel is so-so on it, I think. It's only a three month lease, so not sure if we'll be staying longer or not. I don't really want to move, but Rachel spends about five times as many waking hours here as I do so her call. It's a ten minute walk from my work, and the sea views are incredible, and we're across the street from the seawall and we can walk straight down the seawall into town. The town is actually more charming than I expected, even if a lot of stuff closes up real early and a lot of other stuff doesn't even exist. I mean, you can't compare it to Vancouver (or any major city, obviously). But if you just sort of accept there's no cool breakfast spot, and the coffee shops close at 5pm, and most of them don't have WiFi, then it's not that big a deal. If you feel like there's absolutely nothing in this town, then you realize there's actually quite a lot. Some okay restaurants (okay, that's a bit of a stretch, but there's some expensive restaurants anyway), plenty of shops and whatnot (and Amazon provides free shipping). Lots of parks, actually lots of events going on (might not continue to be the case once summer is over but whatever). Hell, Elton John was here last month. We didn't go, but it happened.

Still can't get used to people driving on the wrong side of the street. I just about get killed every other day. Not driving, just walking (we don't have a car). My neck refuses to look right first. And when it does I level myself and believe I'm looking the wrong way and look back to the left anyway. It's terrible. Why can't they just conform with the rest of the world?

We've been running really good, weather-wise. Doesn't really get that hot, but we haven't seen that much of the famous Isle Of Man rain. Or, at least, the timing's been good when it has rained. I've walked to and from work every single day. I'm told some days the weather will necessitate a taxi or else I'll be a wet dog at work. But I haven't had it be an issue yet.

Henry's sleeping through the night, more or less, which was unimaginable a month ago. Still can be hard to put down, and can demand some brief comforting at random times in the wee hours, but 100% better than it was. He's getting brattier as he nears in on two, but he's still overall the mellow, happy kid he's been most of his life. The only thing I really don't like about my job is sometimes I don't get home until after he goes to bed (not often, except the last two weeks when my training went into the evening so it became somewhat regular). That's hard. And he's been a bit clingy with me in the morning, probably as a result of that, which makes leaving for work hard too.

Man, I love that kid. And his mother. I guess that's probably right now the thing the Isle Of Man has going for it more than anything else, more than the wicked job or the sense of adventure or the beautiful scenery or the delicious egg mayo sandwiches: it's the current home of my two favourite people in the world.

And now you're up to date.

Feels Like Vacation

We had to fly forever to get here. Till yesterday we were staying in a hotel (well, an extended stay apartment, but essentially a hotel). Now I'm sitting around listening to Phish (I don't know why I'm getting more and more into Phish at this late date, but I'm fairly sure it's not a positive development) in our new abode and if I look out the windows, past our patio, literally all I can see is ocean. Or sea, I suppose. Everything feels and looks a little or a lot bit different, like it always does when you travel.

So even though there's lots of work that's been done and needs to be done to get properly domesticated/settled here, and even though I know my first month on the job is going to be ridiculously intense/busy (I get a mixture of anxiety/excitement every time I remotely think about it, which is often), it feels like vacation right now. Which will probably fade fairly quickly (although I think for it to fade in entirety might take a very long time). It's probably a good thing, feeling like you're on vacation, right? Who doesn't love vacation?

But it's also kind of freaky, truth be told. Cause, you know, you're supposed to return home from vacation. But given that for now this in fact is home, a slight out of sorts feeling currently permeates. I mean, if this is home, and we go to Vancouver on holiday, does that make missing Vancouver being "vacationsick"? That's not even a word. How am I supposed to feel that?

Overall, tho, a very promising start to our new adventure. Found a place to live we quite like (after a scary start to the search -- day one yielded no worthy fruit at all), already moved in with all our utilities up and running. Have a good sense of the town, which is basically as advertised (pretty small, but not without its charms, pretty easy to navigate on foot; and of course there's the ocean and seawall, or promenade, both of which we are, historically speaking, inclined to be quite fond). Already have met some potential new friends. I'm walking distance from work. With the exception of buying a car (which we still consider a possibility as opposed to a certainty) we're pretty set here already.

In other news, in a blog post today I went word-slash-word three times in one sentence. Of course no proof exists, but I bet that's the first time I've done that in my life. More proof I'm out of sorts.

Be At Least A Little Picky

This morning I went across the street to our local Subway for a sandwich to help sustain me through the daily rigours of life. And the guy in front of me got a Subway Club. And guess what he had on it? I'll tell you. He had everything. Literally. He got every vegetable and every sauce and salt and pepper and he only stopped getting stuff cause he had everything.

So what I don't get is what does that sandwich even taste like? It's like using every crayon in the box on top of each other until all you're left with is a big black blotch. A big black blotch of a Subway Club sandwich. I've been thinking about this for hours, and I just don't see any justification for how that sandwich isn't total bullshit.

PIH-SLC-ATL-DUB-IOM/IOM-MAN-AMS-YVR

I've done some wacky travel in my time, but that itinerary's up there.

I think the interviews went well, considering they were my first job interviews in at least 15 years. Don't feel like I crushed them, but don't feel like I choked either. Unfortunately, I got the one answer I didn't want: "We'll let you know".

They assure me that's not 'no', that there was no way they were offering the job on the spot regardless of how the interviews went, and that they would definitely have told me flat out 'no' if that was the case. So fair enough. Within a week, I'm told. Patience is not a particular strong suit, so here's a good opportunity to work on that.

Overall it was a pretty fun/cool experience. I have so much respect for the brand, it was neat to meet the people behind it, see headquarters, etc. Everybody was super nice, and what I saw of the Isle Of Man I liked plenty well. Regardless of whether I end up working there, I'm really glad to have had this experience. Epic itinerary and patience-testing, notwithstanding.

Skittish

I never drank coffee at all for most of my adult life. The last year or so, I started having maybe a cup or two a week, then a daily cup. And now this winter I have become officially addicted to coffee. Better late than never?

I gotta tell you. I feel terrible. Just kind of a low-level feeling of adrenaline, not in a good way at all. Very disconcerting. Guess I gotta stop drinking coffee. Or cut back? Decaf?

How did this happen?

PokerStars Blogging Championship

So I'm maybe playing in this freeroll, not sure, but to get the tickets I need to post this. Dave Dunnet, you should enter (or any others among you with a blog and a fondness for the pokerz). Did I mention it was a freeroll?

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: XXXXXX 388810

New Poker Blog

Started a new poker blog, you can find it at http://whyisuckatpoker.com/. It will be updated way more often than this one, but will be pretty much all poker related so if that's not your bag I probably wouldn't bother.

I'll still try to get back into blogging here soon. I figure I'm due to have something to say any day now.

Finished

Man have I neglected this blog. It's poker's fault, of course. Partly because I now have a poker blog hosted elsewhere, but mainly because finishing SuperNova Elite was such an incredibly soul-crushing, time-sucking, life-halting grind.

I finished on Monday, btw. Stoked to be done, of course, and somewhat proud of it as a feat of endurance. Would have been a lot more proud if the in-game results hadn't tanked beyond imagination the last few months. Not sure it was a smart decision to take it on, and seems somewhat unlikely that I'll repeat (not impossible, but it's a long shot). Mainly it just feels like an unwelcome house guest has left and I can finally relax in my own home.

Half Marathon Is No Joke

Okay, now that my debut half marathon is a couple days behind me, I'm ready to analyze what went wrong.

I guess, in retrospect, it wasn't all that bad. I expected it to be hard, which it was. And I only really cared that I finished, which I did. But brother, I'm here to tell you. I was fully and completely crushed by the thing. As I crossed the finish line I was firmly resolved to never do any serious exercise again. Ever. So I'll die young and experience a diminished quality of life? Fair enough.

But I'm off the ledge now and actually feel committed again to trying to run a marathon next year. Which brings me back to what went wrong (you know, in the interest of learning, like):

1) I undertrained. I only got up to about 15k in my training runs, and not even that many of them. I was told that the extra k's wouldn't be that hard, but the tellers lied.
2) The damn hills. If I undertrained for the distance, I way undertrained for the hills. Like, didn't train at all. There's one long, gradual hill, probably about 3k, which you do twice. The first time crushed me. The second time left me a bitter, defeated shell of a man (which I mean in a fun, upbeat way).
3) The damn cold. It was freaking snowing at points. Parts of the road were icy. I couldn't feel my, well, anything. i couldn't feel a damn thing.
4) My common sense. If I'm doing something, by choice, that makes me want to puke, it seems instinctual to stop. I'm gonna have to work on defeating that particular instinct.
5) The chili was overrated. Can't really blame it for the race, but still. Disappointing.

That Was Fast

Been talking about getting rid of the car for probably six months now. Truth is, we don't really need it. Daily life here downtown just doesn't require it, and there are a couple great options for the rare occasions we do need one (already joined ZipCar, which is ideal for short stints, and there are several local car rental places when we need a car for a bit longer). Those costs should be way less than insurance/maintenance on the car. And the finances really aren't even the point. The point is we don't need a car, so why have one?

Anyway, been talking about it for a while and finally got our shit together, cleaned out the car, and put it on craigslist today. Only got one call, but (surprisingly for Craigslist) the guy did come over, we agreed on terms, and boom! I'm carless for the first time since I was 16 years old. Well, technically I won't be carless till Friday. He gave me a deposit and agreed to come back then with the remainder. But the point remains.

So I guess it's good, but I do have a vague freaked out/panicked feeling. Maybe even not that vague, fairly prominent. But I was expecting it, and I know it'll pass, and I'm pretty sure it's the right choice. And if it's not, well, we didn't just sell the country's last available car. We could acquire a new one easy enough.

Whatever. It's just weird. No car is weird.

The Angry Pedestrian

There are many ways having a child changes you, of course, and not all of them are expected. For example, before Henry I can't recall ever getting mad at a driver while walking about. I mean, yeah, sometimes drivers aren't paying attention and almost kill you and whatnot, but hey, we all make mistakes, and what's the point in getting all worked up about it?

But this week I'm walking down towards the Costco for the buck ninety-nine hot dog and soda, and little Henry is in the stroller, and this lady is coming out of the Costco parking lot. It exits onto a one-way street, so she's only looking to her left and even though she has a red she rides right on through the intersection. And if I weren't on my toes, she would have rode right on through the baby stroller. So I give her the universal palms up what are you doing gesture, and she sees me and looks suitably horrified/ashamed and mouths 'sorry' and I hold my gesture and she says 'sorry' again and then it's over. She's down the road.

And afterwards, I'm actually feeling kinda bad. Cause truthfully I probably would have had to accelerate a bit for her to have had a chance at killing Henry (that's not really the point, she should have been paying attention, but it does seem at least vaguely relevant). And moreso cause she said 'sorry', she obviously felt bad, I wish I would have released the gesture and mouthed some sort of peace-making 'okay'.

But I didn't learn my lesson, cause just yesterday I'm walking up Hornby just past the art gallery and there's some construction and the intersection is a mess. And when we get the 'walk' sign we all start through the cross walk and this guy who obviously had waited the entire light without being able to get through races in front of us. Again, not exactly a near-death experience, but still I felt like Henry was being disrespected. Like, really, you're in such a hurry you're willing to kill a baby to get through this intersection? So I give the palms up again and I even mouth 'what the eff', and he refuses to look at me (I know he knows I'm there), and he has been slowed down by the intersectional mess so he's crawling by but still refuses to look as I give a second 'what the eff'.

So I kick his rear tire. He looks at me in his side mirror, and I see true fear in his eyes, and he drives off. And I realize, not for the first time and I'm certain not for the last, that being a dad makes you crazy. And if you're not careful, maybe a little mean.

I mean, kicking people's cars? What the eff, indeed.

Due Date

There weren't really any movies that looked that good and worked with our schedule, but Grandma was over and willing to watch the young 'un and you can't pass up free baby sitting, so we decided to check out Hereafter. The preview looked good, but it looked sad (which I wasn't really in the mood for), and the reviews were middling. But still, Eastwood has earned the benefit of the doubt lately, so decided to give it a shot.

While standing in line, a guy came up to us and said 'do you want to see a free movie'? He had an extra pass to the sneak preview of 'Due Date'. Score! Was way more in the mood for a comedy, and free is free.

So, there are definitely some funny parts, but overall it was no great shakes. I can't quite give it an un-recommend, cause comedies are few and far between lately, and sometimes you gotta at least take a shot at having a good laugh. And maybe it'll hit your sensibilities just right. But I found the two theater employees using night vision apparatus to search the theater for bootleggers far more entertaining than the movie itself, which probably isn't a good sign.

Preview Review VI (Missoula, MT edition)

Our lame ass booking agent somehow had us out on the road with a Friday night off. Just terrible. The upside, as it so often is, was an opportunity to visit the local cineplex. Here are the previews they offered.

SKYLINE -- Vaguely familiar looking actors fight vaguely familiar looking CGI aliens in a very familiar looking plot line. US (upside score) 1. SS (Secret score) 3.

UNSTOPPABLE -- I mean, I dunno. It's based on a true story, so I guess somebody said 'it has to be a movie'. But, sight unseen of course, it kinda seems like it didn't have to be a movie at all. With Denzel and his favorite director Ridley Scott, it might be an entertaining bad movie instead of just a straight-up bad movie. So I'll give it an extra point. US 2. SS 3.

DUE DATE -- The first preview I saw for this just looked terrible. This preview looked a lot more promising. But really, and it pains me to say this, both Robert Downey Jr. and Zach whateverhisnameis are seeming already past their own personal best before dates. And I'd consider myself a fan of both. Still, with the 'Old School' director at the helm, it should be worth two hours of your life. US 6. SS 4.

MEGAMIND -- It looked good, I suppose, but it's hard to really get behind animated movies. Whenever people argue that the 'best animated movie' contenders should also be up for the 'best movie at large' Oscar, I always think, 'for real? it's a cartoon!' I like the (voice) cast, and the trailer looked entertaining, so I'll probably go if the options are this or a horror movie. US 5. SS 5.

HEREAFTER -- The saddest looking movie, like, ever. There is almost zero chance this will be bad. But also seems pretty unlikely it won't be a giant buzz kill. US 8. SS 7.

RED -- If your idea of a good time is watching Bruce Willis smirk, then by all means. US 2 (give it an extra point just cause a couple cast members seem to have enough common sense to avoid movies that are this bad, so maybe it's better than it seems). SS 5.

All in all, a very disappointing selection of trailers. Again, I blame the booking agent.

Fuck 'Fuck Poker'

Is that a double negative?

The thing that irritates me about my 'poker is so hard' cry baby rant a couple posts ago, more than anything else, is that it reads like a carbon copy of one I wrote last year. I would have liked to have thought that a couple million hands would have taught me a new trick or two. Yet there I was, whining as much as ever.

Well, not again. I mean, the first obvious thing is that poker has extreme swings and if you are surprised by them, you're an idiot (at least after you've played long enough to really get a proper sense of it). Secondly, any energy put it into complaining, or fixating on the swings in general, adversely affects my performance (which is a disastrous result, letting the part of it I can control turn for the worse). And finally, I choose to play poker, understanding that the swings are part of the game. I mean, they're not a necessary evil. They're just necessary. Without the luck factor, the game can't thrive and while skill edges would win out quicker there'd be much less reward.

So I'm done complaining about results. Period. Doesn't mean it's not frustrating when you're on the worst down swing of the year (like I continue to be). Just means that it's pointless, and weak, to bitch about it.

I shouldn't play poker if I can't handle variance. But I do, so I have to. Simple like that.

Dumped Into The Caribbean

So yesterday, with Henry tended to by the fine staff at "Baby Club Med", Rachel and I took a kayak out into the Caribbean. We went basically straight out, and the waves got pretty intense, and we were in very short order deposited unceremoniously into the sea. We had to get rescued (apparently the kayak was filled with water, which made it less useful, although that might have been code from our motor-boated rescuer for "I'm not leaving you two idiots this far out here").

It was embarrassing, but awesome! I think Rachel found it a little more embarrassing, given her history with boats, and she wanted to be in the back of the boat when we went back out. I refused, mainly because I didn't want a running commentary of my paddling technique, such as it is. I did get plenty of tips on how to avoid a repeat spill, but secretly I think she liked it as much as I did.

Fuck Poker

I don't know what I did to piss off the poker gods, but apparently it was major.

This week, in only 25k hands, I'm down 80 (short) buy-ins. Just sickening. And as you know, when you're downswinging, the poker gods lay it on thick. Any time you fold, you would have got there. But when you stay in, you can't hit your 21-outer to pass the uber donk who called a flop shove with bottom pair. Can't hit it, like, ever. Not one fucking time in 25,000 hands.

But anyway, I'm not gonna go on too much about how many times the 80/60 spaz somehow has QQ when I call off preflop with JJ, or how the 60/10 always has A5 against my AK on the AJ5 board. You've been there, nobody wants to hear it. What I am interested in is the coincidence of my downswing with my inability to maintain focus for long grind sessions. I'm not getting in my VPP's because I seem to lose interest about 45 minutes into every session to the point where I feel like I just can't play. But is that lack of mental focus why I'm having such terrible results (and the preponderance of ridiculous beats is really just my mind playing tricks on me)? Or have I lost the focus because of the demoralizing affect of the bad results (in this scenario, said results being truly a result of variance)?

I've come to the conclusion that while there is definitely a bit of a vicious cycle happening (bad results frustrate me which makes me more likely to make a mistake which causes bad results which frustrate me which makes -- you get the idea), it's more a case of the focus getting shit-kicked by the results than the other way around.

First of all, as much as we do have selective memories, I still believe somebody who grinds a lot (relatively successfully) knows when he's running good or bad. I know if my overpair run into sets six times in fifteen minutes, that's just not normal. I know when a total maniac shows up with AA, that's pure bad luck. And certainly I recognize that losing to a hand that I had dominated happens, you know, 30% of the time or whatever. But if I haven't taken down one all-in yet in a session, and I've lost to a hand I had dominated four different times, it's obviously not about how I'm playing. There's no way, in these particular instances, for my mind to fool me. My point is just that while we can't trust ourselves totally in these matters, there are still times when we know we are running like complete and utter shit. And right now I am certain of it.

Secondly, poker is a game that even when we play terrible we win sometimes. Yet I have lost in 12 straight sessions. I'm not saying I'm an overall loser over the last 12 sessions. I'm saying I have posted a loss in every single one of those sessions, individually. There is just no earthly way that my skill level has deteriorated, instantly, so that after 10 straight winning weeks (at this stake level, anyway, I did post losses when taking shots) I suddenly can't post a single winning session. I mean, if my game is off, it's only off a little from where it was. I wasn't a genius then, just as I'm not suddenly a beginner now.

Anyway, now that I'm done convincing myself that it's mainly variance, the question is why I am letting it affect my ability to grind so much. If I had played through, got in my hands every day, odds are I'd have posted some winning sessions by now and perhaps already feel finished with the downswing. So why don't I do that?

I know why. During most of the summer, as I posted my most consistent results (by far) of this whole SSing experiment, I really focused on individual hands, refused to check results, tried very hard to get caught up in the decision-making process. That bubble burst when I took my shots at 400. Because I was nervous about it, and because the pots seemed so much bigger, I got in the habit of checking the cashier page after almost every big pot. I didn't shake it when I went back to only playing 200.

The thing is, when you're running good, checking the cashier page doesn't really hurt you that much. It's still probably a bad idea, because it takes away your focus on the present. But it's not going to tilt you. But now, this week when I hit my downswing, when I look at the cashier page and I'm down half a dozen (again, short) buy-ins five minutes into my session, there's just no way I'm not gonna be affected by it. Even if it doesn't directly affect my play (which sometimes it will), it still affects my desire to grind out a long session. Big time.

The good news, despite this week's terrible results, I still have a healthy roll for 200. Not huge, but certainly not near having to ask the staker for $. So I don't need to be sweating that. And even if I was low, there's no upside to sweating it. So starting right now, I resolve to have the utmost commitment to ignoring results in-session. Everybody knows that swings are an unavoidable part of grinding. Having habits that might allow my focus and/or level of play to be compromised by those swings is totally unacceptable.

Oh, and also, no surfing 2+2 or facebook during sessions. I solemnly swear.

Thank you for joining me on this voyage of self-discovery.